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september 17

i feel so confused about my feelings for you and i don’t even know if i have the right to

september 18

i wish i didn’t have to smile over the things that pain me inside

september 19 

i wish i could keep you in a box so i could see you whenever i miss you, just like today

september 22

i wanted to touch your face so bad but i can’t find a reason to because i don’t want to look so clingy but i would like to cling to you forever until i feel weak enough to do so

september 23

you held my hand and it felt like eternity. if we could go on like this forever, then everything would be perfect

College Life: The First Week of the Finals

Hi everyone! I know I missed a lot of post and I’ve been gone for sooooo long. I guess I’ve been on a three months hiatus and to be quite honest, during that hiatus I’ve been thinking about deactivating my blog and thought about having a life, but then the thought that this blog has been my outlet for quite some time now and thinking about the joy of knowing people reads my blog make me go back here and talk to everyone again. But I wasn’t really unproductive, I’m still writing actually, but I’ve already missed three months of updates that is why the process of writing it takes very very very VERY long, I have so many things to talk about my college life and every time I miss posting about my college experience that week, I another post just gets added to pile of things I need to finish writing about in a single day, I’m not kidding, my first semester as a college student seriously drains me and I only have Sunday to rest and do lots of homeworks that’s why I’m sending my deepest apologies for not updating this blog, so…to cut the long introduction short, I’ll be blogging about my eighth week and keep in touch with everyone (as much as I can) with my weekly update and just post the past three months whenever I can someday soon (don’t worry, it’s really on the process of writing and a bit of revising) The only thing I’m sure about though is that my college updates is something to look forward about. So yeah, I’ve talked so much! Hehe~ Here’s the first week of the final term~

September 8 (Monday)

It was a boring Monday, not that it’s a bad start for the last term though, maybe I’m just feeling extra lazy today especially that midterm examinations just ended. The only thing I remember doing at school today is painting using water color, it was exciting actually. I’ve been thinking that maybe my real talent lies within watercolor painting kkk~. It was fun outside the school though. We practiced from 5:00-8:00 in the evening for our Frozen play. I was totally drained but contented for what we accomplished. We only have two days left before the big day so we really should put our hearts out in practicing. Went straight to bed when I got home.

September 9 (Tuesday)

I really hate Tuesdays, there I said it. It’s the only day (from my weekday class) I go down from the Gate 3 and walking from Gate 3 UP to the ULS literally drains all the breakfast I ate, and that is saying something. I’ve been formulating ways on how to walk there without getting too tired, but I all my ideas are wrong. So anyways, I arrived at school early today which sucks because I hate waiting outside the ULS where it’s literally hot. So when we finally get to enter the ULS I was literally shouting, “AIRCONNN!!!!” and then our (annoying) sub teacher went in front of our class again (she was our teacher last week) and told us that she’ll be teaching us until finals because our P.E. teacher is pregnant and her current state is very critical, that’s why she have to take her place for a while which is a total bummer because I DON’T LIKE HER. Enough said. I had no choice though. So we had our post-test for our Physical Fitness test where everyone disagreed into because tomorrow will be our General Assembly and it will be suck so much is our feet hurt like hell I MEAN WTH THREE MINUTE STEP TEST?!!! TOGETHER WITH ALL THESE CURL-UPS, PUSH-UPS AND ETC ETC WHAT IS STAMINA SERIOUSLY. Our feet hurt so much that we had to ride (for the first time yaaay) Ikot La Salle to COEd, which is pretty understandable, right? 

Something tragic happened at Filipino class which I decided not to talk about anymore since it still haunts me and I don’t want to mention any of those events anymore. But I cried, which means it really hit my hypothalamus. Sighs. Thank God only a few of my classmates saw it because I didn’t want to look so vulnerable. ReEd saved the day though! :) After class, we have to head to our practice place since tomorrow is the big day, we practiced for a while but I didn’t stayed too long since my Dad fetched me @ around 7:00.

September 10 (Wednesday)

GENERAL ASSEMBLY!!!! I decided to post an individual post for this! :—) Stay tuned.

September 11 (Thursday)

The hype from last night was definitely still alive and burning…but why? Here’s a spoiler: WE WON FIRST PLACE FOR THE FROZEN MUSICAL PLAY, and we got a free lunch for everybody~ Anyways, more details soon :) I find hard to tell what happened this day if I don’t tell that detail, so yeah, cheers to that! My happiness was ruined when I Filipino class started. Thursday and Tuesday will now be the days I hate the most. During our free time, I could hear our Frozen play playing in the background because our classmates can’t get enough of it, I can’t blame them though, I’m still overwhelmed about the fact as well. 

September 12 (Friday)

It was a seriously busy Friday, our Frozen play is still playing but less now THE HYPE IS STILL THERE THOUGH BUT FOR THE FREE LUNCH OF COURSE, haha! Classes resume like the usual, grammar lessons for English, artwork making for Art Education, Biodiversity for Bio but there’s more for this subject because our prof announce we’ll be going on a fieldtrip on the 22nd! Yaaay~ Our first fieldtrip our colloge students, it’s exciting because it’s something new for me but scary at the same time now that we’re going to a jungle. Woooop~ Math is the one stressing us out because today will be the deadline for our ELGA output. It was such a relief when we finally get to finish it. 

My mom texted me the other day that my favorite milktea is finally on The District so I told Maricris and Sai to go with me and get some (since Maricris loves it as well) I felt like we definitely deserve this sweet break.

September 13 (I HATE SATURDAY CLASSES)

I seriously hate Saturday classes. I feel like wasting my time when I attend them LIKE SERIOUSLY BECAUSE WE ONLY HAVE ONE CLASS AND THAT’S CWTS UGHHH. Our prof is so boring (she’s also our sub because our actual prof have to take a break after her labor sighs, sub teachers suck) and the time is such a bummer I MEAN WHO WOULD WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL AT 1:00 IN THE AFTERNOON, IT’S FOR MY SIESTA TIME PLEASE. And today, she decided dismiss us 30 minutes later than our actual dismissal, how fugly is that!? 

We went to our house later that day to practice our jazz chant.

So yes, that’s it! Hahaah~ I tried to keep it as short as possible. I will do the GA post soon! I guess I’ll have more time since next week will be Students’ Week~ I feel so embarrassed right now because my first college post is the Finals week, I’m really sorry. I will update soon guys~ Take care everyone~

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Letters to People

I really hate putting too much negativity on my blog, but I just feel like venting in to my blog. I may look strong but I don’t have the enough courage (even a bit of it) to tell this to these people, I just had this urge to remove the hate in my heart and just put it into writing. 

  1. Stop being so all knowing. It irks me to death.
  2. Don’t make it seem like it’s my responsibility to text you. Who are you in my life anyway? Stop acting like I once asked for your attention SO BADLY.
  3. I’m not judging you, what I’m saying is that I hope you will learn how to respect our personal space! And please, stop making “pa-mysterious” post, say it in my face so I can explain it to you in a way that reaches down to your level of understanding. AAAAND LAST THING: THE DICTIONARY IS MADE WITH PURPOSE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE USE IT WELL
  4. Stop being so pa-conyo. I swear to God, if punches and slaps could be PMed in Facebook, you’re already beaten up for awhile now.
  5. I want to learn not to know about your WHOLE FREAKING LIFE SO STOP
  6. Why act like everyone’s against you? Like we are the bad one and we’re teaming up against you. I’m so done with your dramas. You isolate yourself, so it’s your fault being SOOO SAAAD AND SOOOO LONELY (and everything you say you are)
  7. STOP BEING A JERK!!! IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE. STOP BEING TOUCHY AND STOP BEING AN EYE SORE STOP JUST STOP
  8. Look who’s talking.
  9. WE.ARE.NOT.COMPETING.AGAINST.YOU so you could tell your ass now to FREAKING CALM DOWN. Stop caring too much about our grades, stop comparing your class performance with ours JUST FREAKING GET ALL THE AWARDS AND RECOGNITION YOU WANT AND LEAVE US ALONE.

Now that’s too much for my heart. Thank you for hearing me out. Goodbye for now.

080714 x my first real heartbreak

Dear God, 

I understand that Dexter must have suffered a lot. Up there, I know he is doing well and playing happily with other dogs. Please tell him to share the doggy bone we left for him. Tell him to use his blanket when he feels cold at night. I’m warning you God that Dexter is such a handful. He’ll give you a hard time when you try to bathe him. He is a very picky eater and likes very expensive foods — but he’s most fond of sweets (not chocolates). He is afraid of cockraches too, but he’ll try his best to kill it for you. If he ever barks at the people up there, don’t worry he won’t bite. Hehe, he’s afraid of them as well. Most of the time he’ll be sleeping so there’s nothing much to worry about, just remember to tickle him for awhile to help him sleep.

I’m really sorry if I took back what I said so abruptly. I told you that it’s okay if you will get him already because I know that Dexter is hurting so much but just like what I’ve said for the nth time, things are easier said than done. It would be easy to say I could accept if Dexter dies today, but it would be so hard not to break down. And I did, the moment I confirmed the news true. Dexter must be sad to see me crying like he always do, please tell him that I’m okay, that I’ll be okay. Tell him that I’m sorry for being so unfair to him, for asking him to stay some more even if I know that the pain is killing him more and more inside. At least, I know that he is feeling okay up there now.

Saying the words “I wish” couldn’t bring anything back. I wish I was able to bring him to potty atleast once. I wish I was able to hug him and tell him how much I love him.  I wish I was able to at least say goodbye. I wish I was able to see him for the last time. How I wish he would be back.

Dexter can’t really express what he really feels, but I know, I felt, that he loved me as much as I did love him. He may bark at me at times, try to bite me when I disturb him, gnarl at me for being so noisy, but I know that Dexter really loved me. And that’s the most comforting thing to think about.

I remember the first day Dexter came here at our house, so little and so fat. He hid behind our plants and so my mom was forced to accept him. I remember the first time he pooped inside our home, haha. (I even took a video of us cleaning it) I remember Dexter’s first night here. I remember the first time I bought him some treats. I remember the day his voice (and barking) finally developed. I remember the day he finally learned to play with his doggy bone and make cute sounds out of it. I remember when he first got his collar. I remember the days where he would join me in meals when I felt lonely eating alone. I remember when he first wagged his tail for me. I remember how my brother and I wished Dexter would never grow up…and he would never really grow up.

I would miss the mornings where I’ll the first person he’ll see. I’ll open the door to get my shoes and he’ll be there wagging his tail for me. I’ll miss the days where he jump at my leg when I’m eating, asking for food. I would miss the day where he tilts his head and winks at us for no apparent reason. I would miss the days where I go home from school and he would jump at me making it seem like he missed me. I would miss the days where he would look at me longingly when I go to school and when I bid him goodbye…and I didn’t know that when I said goodbye to him last Thursday, when I was going ahead for school, that it was my last goodbye to him.

Remember the reason why we named him Dexter? It’s because he looks so much a like from the Dexter in the commercial of the little boy with the lost dog. I wish things would be that easy, I wish Dexter would come back just like the commercial-Dexter, but he will never do so. He will never come back … because he never left, he will always be here, in our hearts, alive and barking.

Good bye Dexter, you will be missed.

MAYBE MY MIND REALLY WORKS BETTER DURING NIGHTTIME HEHE BUT I REALLY JUST WANNA RANT ABOUT THIS GUYS BECAUSE I’M SO ANNOYED AND PISSED WITH PSYCH BECAUSE I REALLY JUST LOVE THE SUBJECT TO BITS BUT I’VE THOUGHT ALL ALONG THAT WHAT I’LL BE LEARNING DURING COLLEGE WILL BE SOMETHING USEFUL FOR MY FUTURE CAREER BUT AS I MEMORIZED ALL THESE TERMS AND ABNORMALITIES AND PEOPLE INVOLVED IN PSYCHOLOGY I REALIZED HOW IT FELT LIKE HIGHSCHOOL AGAIN. I WANT TO LEARN STUFFS ABOUT PSYCHOLOGY THAT I COULD USE IN THE FUTURE, SOMETHING THAT I COULD APPLY WITH MY TEACHING. I WANT TO STUDY THINGS THAT WOULD REALLY MEASURE MY ABILITIES AS A FUTURE EDUCATOR AND NOT MY ABILITIES IN MEMORIZING TERMS UGHHHH I MEAN, HOW THE HELL COULD THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHO THE FIRST PERSON TO GRADUATE IN PSYCHOLOGY AS PHD HELP ME UGHHH I FEEL LIKE MY MIND WOULD BURST ANY MINUTE NOW I THINK I SHOULD STOP SINCE I’VE USED EXCESSIVE CAPITAL LETTERS ALREADY AND I DON’T WANT TO THINK TOO MUCH BECAUSE THE LITTLE STUFFS I ABSORBED FROM “REVIEWING” MAY DISAPPEAR HEHE OK BYE

080114 

Dear God,

Thank you for giving such wonderful year with the best people in the world. Sixteen years of living in this world is not a joke, but you’ve been with me through that journey that’s why I came out of that journey, scathed but stronger. Thank you for the lessons I’ve acquired and the people I’ve met. I know, thanking you wouldn’t be enough to show my gratitude for such blessed sixteen years you’ve given me, all the laughs, the tears I’ve shed, the lives I’ve touched and somehow changed, the heartbreaks, the failures, the success, the hardships — it all made me a better version of Czacza I didn’t expect I could be. I hope that for the coming years to come I’ll be able to change for the better, be more mature, be more open-minded and be more understanding.

For the past sixteen years, I know Lord that I made lots of mistakes. I’ve somehow neglected and ignored your plans for me and still, you never left me behind. I’m forever grateful. I hope that I could be a better servant of you Lord, and I would do my best because I know that your plans for me than what I have in mind. I hope to be the Czarisse you’ll be proud of.

Please send my deepest gratitude to the different people that made my day complete and happier than ever. The people who didn’t forget to greet me for my special day and the people who even gave up their time just to buy me something. My mom and dad (and my brothers pfttt) that makes me happy, and makes me feel special even though it’s not my birthday. My highschool classmates and friends that never fails to make me smile and put an effort in making me extra happy and the addition to my family, my college friends that made me happy in every way possible. I hope Lord that they would forever stay in my life because they are one of the things that proves to me that life is really beautiful

I hope Lord that for the coming years I’ll be able to make more happy people, I’d be able to meet new people and I hope the people that has been part of my life for the past 16 years would remain. I hope to be able to take more risks, and accept and finish challenges I never thought I couldn’t. My sixteenth year has been the transition of my highschool and college life, and thank you Lord for being there with me every step of the way. Thank you Lord for your unwavering graces and blessings, and I hope that my sixteenth year would be a good one.

I’M BACK!!!~ OUR INTERNET IS BACK!!!

Hi everyone! How are you all doing? I miss talking to all of you, though I can’t really talk right now because I have so many things to do but I have soooo many things to tell you guys about. Sighs~ But I will update real soon :—) I hope you look forward to my first post (which will be quite long, kkk~) as a college student. Will talk to you soon! 

fany-ah:

Between people who truly care and love each other, there are times where you don’t need to say anything at all. Those emotions that are hard to express with words. Things like “I love you” and “Thank you”…you don’t really need to say those words. - Kim Taeyeon

It’s really hard when we have a full schedule since we aren’t able to sleep, so we get emotionally and physically tired. But every time that happens, I see that the other eight members are performing as much as I am while being as tired as I am. They, being my members, are my companions, and I get the strength to continue on. I just get strength from them because we’re together. - Jung Sooyeon

For me, each one of our SNSD members is like my body. If one gets hurt or hears bad things from someone else, it hurts me and pains me even more. It’s impossible for only good things to happen to someone and so there were difficult times and hurtful times. But during those times, I’m so thankful that we were each other’s strength and each other’s support. - Lee Soonkyu 

Also when we are performing this (Himnae!), there’s a part in the choreography that says “Fighting!” with everyone coming together. When our eyes meet doing that part, it’s the happiest time during the performance. - Hwang Miyoung

Every single member is so precious to me and like family to me.. I may joke around with them a lot but I can’t talk seriously with them..because it’s awkward for me. But on the inside, I really do think of each one of you so much and I want you all to know that. - Kim Hyoyeon

I think it thanks to all the loving fans over anything else. This is not a day for us to be congratulated but a day for us to congratulate the fans. We can only shine brightest as SNSD when SNSD stand on one stage as nine. - Kwon Yuri

To my precious members, who I hope to be with forever, I love you and thank you so much. - Choi Sooyoung

I think “as expected” is such a great phrase. I’ll always work hard for you to say, “As expected of SNSD!” ^^ - Im Yoona

Entertainers have no brain…I get frustrated when I hear things like that from people. We have different goals. We have our own ways. I try to do the best I can, but still… - Seo Joohyun

Our colour is always PINK.
Our number is always NINE.
Our group is always 소녀 시대. - S♡NE

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